Over the summer, I had a bit of a crisis.
It didn’t just happen overnight, it had been bubbling over the last several years. I spent much of the past year reflecting deeply on my rabbinic and personal journey, thinking about the tremendous upheaval from the Covid era, the overwhelm of the October 7th War.
Little of the Judaism in my life felt meaningful. What was this all for? Why spend all of this time, money, energy? Who cares? Something felt broken. I kept asking these questions repeatedly, but I wasn’t getting anywhere.
In consultation with one of my rabbis, he suggested this process was natural. Good, even. In fact, this kind of work, of struggling through these questions, was something we should be doing every five to ten years.
In many Hasidic texts, the first verse of the Torah is re-understood, not as בראשית, “In the beginning of” but as ב׳ ראשית, “two beginnings.”
Perhaps, it isn’t just that we begin to read the Torah again, beginning with the creation of the world, but that I was being recreated this year, too. I realized that I needed to start over. I needed to start with some basics again. What foundation do I want to have?
In Avodat Panim, a Hasidic sefer I’ve been studying for the last few years, he writes, “When a person begins in their service of God, they are in a state of pizur nefesh, a scattered soul.” That’s exactly how I’ve been feeling! Scattered, confused, and a bit overwhelmed. More than that, his phrasing was key here for me.
I was reentering my service to God. I was rebuilding a spiritual life from scratch again. And the terrain can be bumpy:
For one must guard themselves from the impulse in many matters, and every single matter has its own different kinds of advice, and fences and boundaries, to be lenient and to be stringent, it is as though one is fighting many surrounding enemies, like “they surround me like bees.” (Psalms 118:12)
There are so many ways to tackle these questions, and each comes with its own challenges. Honestly, it is kind of like being on the internet. It feels like being surrounded by bees, constantly pinging you with a litany of terrible, wonderful, distracting, and overwhelming things. All of which, even the good things, are pulling us away from doing the deeper work we need now, more than ever.
So that’s what this year is all about: rebuilding a spiritual foundation for myself. Moving from the natural state of pizur nefesh to one of meaningful, grounded service.
Learning and relearning as if for the first time. Pushing myself to find more meaning, asking myself harder questions, and really pushing myself to wonder: What do I believe? What actually matters to me? What foundation can I rebuild my Judaism upon?
This year, among other things, I’m going to explore these big questions, document my spiritual journey, share stories and reflections. Each will lay a brick in the new foundation I’m rebuilding.
As part of this rebuilding, I’m also returning to some of the forms of teaching I’ve missed most.
Are you in the DMV?
I'm putting together an in-person Talmud class!
From November to February, I'll be teaching an in-person Talmud class on the first and third Wednesday nights. We will explore various Talmudic sections inspired by the weekly Torah portion. (This is a paid series.) If you are interested and available, please let me know!
I’m also finding new ways to share Torah more widely.
Teaching via Video
I'm planning on teaching more online via YouTube. If that interests you, please check out my channel here and consider subscribing to support my work!
